These Advice from A Dad Which Saved Us when I became a New Dad

"I think I was merely in survival mode for the first year."

Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the challenges of becoming a dad.

But the actual experience quickly turned out to be "completely different" to what he pictured.

Severe health issues surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was thrust into acting as her chief support in addition to looking after their baby boy Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, every nappy change… every stroll. The job of mother and father," Ryan shared.

Following eleven months he reached burnout. It was a conversation with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he couldn't do it alone.

The direct words "You are not in a healthy space. You need some help. In what way can I help you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and start recovering.

His story is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now more comfortable addressing the pressure on mothers and about PND, far less attention is paid about the difficulties dads face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan thinks his difficulties are symptomatic of a larger inability to talk between men, who often internalise harmful notions of manhood.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the rock that just takes the pounding and remains standing time and again."

"It's not a show of being weak to seek help. I didn't do that fast enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to admit they're struggling.

They can feel they are "not justified to be asking for help" - most notably ahead of a mum and baby - but she stresses their mental health is equally important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the space to request a respite - going on a few days away, away from the family home, to gain perspective.

He understood he had to make a change to focus on his and his partner's emotions alongside the day-to-day duties of looking after a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

Reparenting yourself'

That epiphany has changed how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now composing Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotion and understand his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen did not have stable male a father figure. Even with having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, long-standing emotional pain caused his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says repressing emotions resulted in him make "bad choices" when in his youth to modify how he was feeling, turning in substance use as escapism from the anguish.

"You turn to behaviours that are harmful," he explains. "They might short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will in the end cause more harm."

Strategies for Coping as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you feel swamped, confide in a friend, your partner or a therapist what you're going through. Doing so may to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the activities that helped you to feel like yourself before becoming a parent. It could be playing sport, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Look after the body - eating well, staying active and if you can, sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is doing.
• Meet other new dads - hearing about their stories, the messy ones, as well as the good ones, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Know that asking for help does not mean you've failed - prioritising yourself is the optimal method you can care for your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the passing, having not spoken to him for many years.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead offer the safety and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the emotions constructively.

Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men since they acknowledged their issues, transformed how they express themselves, and learned to control themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… processing things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I wrote, at times I think my role is to teach and advise you on life, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding just as much as you are in this journey."