Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I want another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you could encounter someone who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
